There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
