I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
