Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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