Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
