Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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