so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
