you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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