this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
