I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
