Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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