When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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