Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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