we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
