Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
