I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
