All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
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