My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize