Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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