I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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