A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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