All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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