you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
