She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
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