Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
