Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Randomize
