He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
