Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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