btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
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