I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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