I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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