Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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