Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I'm sobbing to NWA
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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