Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
