I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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