Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
third nipple confirmed
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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