apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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