I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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