why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
