Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
