Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
