Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Randomize
