I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Randomize
