i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
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He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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