i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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