New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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