I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
All the doctor said was why
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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