FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Come share oat with me in your robe
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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