apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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