Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
He passed out mid-signature
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
