Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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