Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
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