toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
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