my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
